Last night I was present to one sad realization - I’d not stopped beating myself up.
I was still drifting into the past of my break up. And it wasn't pretty there.
It must be said - Him and I are cool. We don’t talk, but there are no harsh feelings, there is no lust either. I fell out of love successfully, and since December last year I wouldn’t even sleep with him. Yes, I kept an open mind before.
So, what is bugging me if I’m sure I don’t want Him back?
One year later, I still feel like I have a valid reason to feel guilty! I cocoon inside my deep remorse, or scold myself for being inadequately emotional.
I lost awareness of my feelings regarding this unresolved trauma.
What’s worse, Him and I had conversations about my guilt so many times, I had also consulted all my close friends - I was granted forgiveness already. When will I finally forgive myself?
Was he ‘wrong’ for having a few weeks long affair early on in the relationship, or did I just get what I deserved for omitting my own truth?
Was I ‘wrong’ for doing what I believed I had to do to make a living, not telling him, and then fuming about his lies? I felt the hopelessness of it.
Should I write across my chest - guilty, but doing my best
Who else needs to absolve me if God and my ex already did???
I hope my repenting has en end to it...
I’m setting intention for tonight:
May I feel as though there is no one else righteous enough to judge my past actions, no one righteous to say who was wrong and who was right, no one else to be merciful and absolve me of my sin, no one else to grant me a pardon, but me. May I forgive myself fully!
Because… even if we get it, would we believe it? I doubt it.
The search for the right person to forgive us and absolve us of our sins/wrongdoings would resume and thus, become never-ending!
No matter the ‘real’ reason for it, or who the sinners and the saints were.