Sunday, February 12, 2017

No running back to the past (not even in the mind)

I need to stay present and focus my mind only on the outcomes I wish to manifest. I spend too much time thinking about stuff that is pointless, gets me nowhere, or makes me feel agitated. Do you?

Hearing from Rowena (my ex’s and mine mutual friend) that He is single… made my heart skip a beat. It soon resumed in a rather excited manner, however, worrying queesiness arose in my stomach. 

No, I can’t go back into that drama of it all, but if I’m to be honest while making an effort with this healing blog, all kinds of things occurred to me in that short moment. The unexpected information made me feel funny and a little too curious from some reason… what a news! I thought he’d be caught up in that relationship forever. He complained about it, he didn’t mind to kiss me while still in it, or tell me that he loved me…but he let her keep coming.

No… I am not running back into the past, not in my thoughts, not ever.

I am quite happy with how things are unfolding here in Brisbane, happy with my school, my fuckbuddy and all that…

Apparently he still talks about me… A lump in my throat.

Hmm, I forgot I still felt something towards my ex… so hard not to imagine us together. The memories in bed with him are still quite strong… after all, nothing compares to making love to a lover who loves you and you love them too.
Even though the love was based on illusions about one another.

A very, very sick and toxic relationship.
No intention to see him again.

I shouldn’t have asked Rowena about him, but it was my way of proving myself that I got over him, and I could boldly face anything that she would tell me. Like - he’s getting married, or his girlfriend is pregnant… but not quite that he’s single, no.

What am I going to do with this information? Simply nothing, pretend I’ve never heard, all good, back to my Brisbane world.

It's utterly crazy to imagine that a small bit of me would still like to be part of those small-town dramas!

There are activities which can help us stay present on the path that don't involve drama, heartaches, and somebody else's bullshit. Yoga, reading, sharing... 

Maybe I should dial Adam tonight?

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