Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Intelligence Of The Body #vomiting

If I were to write today's post from the perspective that would be the closest to my beliefs, I would breach a recent agreement with my coach for telling stories that are not necessarily the truth
Since I am banned from telling any stories for the next 10 days, the simple "truth" that happened last night is that I puked. And that's it. 
Yes, I apologize. The time between midnight and 2am last night was spent throwing up my whole dinner. I also took few hopeful breaks in between. After 2am I finally passed out.
I woke up to quite a thoughtful text message about 5 hours later, and so I started my day early. Still queesy, but I managed an evening jog-walk too.
Right, those are the facts. I hope you enjoyed the post and found some deep lessons in it.
I doubt it.
I should ask my coach whether writing in P.S. counts... I'll take the risk!

So,
P.S. It definitely wasn't the food!
Here's your story:
Ever since writing "Alarm Bells" , where I listed the sneaky warning signs, I noticed that thinking about Him has not quite been the same.
I get a knot down in my stomach, whether I think any specifics about him - good or bad, I just start feeling mildly sick. 
Other unpleasantness happened couple of weeks ago after dreaming about him out of the blue and waking up with a racing heart - nope, don't wanna touch the guy with a stick!
These days I've been busy thinking about other people - until yesterday. I concluded my ex must have been the most masculine man who had ever pursued me, always kept in touch with me (even when already sleeping with someone else), and stopping only upon my blocking his number.

I was inspired to write yesterday's post perhaps due to the illusion of feeling a certain remorse! I realized I missed such a strong masculine presence (like he had) around me. 
In the bed, I was twisting and turning, unwittingly lying to myself how awesome he has once been....I had to get up to walk off the stomachache (nothing else) and to drink some camomile tea... 
The vomits came gushing down like an avalanche.
My post-yoga dinner was nearly vegan, fresh and light.... it couldn't have been because of the food!

It was because of all the bullshit that I was telling myself that day.

My point is - the body knows. We can lie to ourselves about people, situations, beliefs... it will backfire.
For example, you know that overeating or binge drinking (not the case of my last night) is bad, yet you keep doing it and telling yourself it is "enjoying life", and then one day you develop diabetes, liver cirrhosis or a depression.
You know that sleeping with someone who treats you really wrong is a manifestation of a really low self-worth, yet you keep doing it, and then you get an ovary cyst, urinary tract infection, or worse.
You know that doing what you hate, what makes every cell in your body cringe, is most likely called masochism, yet you stick around, you do it again, then you bully yourself, or you forget who you are - a great recipe for self-harming, illnesses, abuse of substances, maybe even a suicide.

The body knows and it defends against our actions by acting as if out of control.
Vomiting is a minor symptom. I should be glad that my body deals with bullshit in this way.
After my last throw I was DONE. That's it, no more. I am putting myself out of the story.
I am not making Him the devil - I am simply lowering my tolerance for any drama!

More about drama craving next time. Yes, we all co-create it at some stage of our lives.



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