If I were to write the way I dance - with a wild abandon, I would have to confess that my New Year’s Eve was quite scandalous....
But before I show off the wild, young and free me again, I just say how much I love trains! I'm on my way to Gold Coast for some swimming and a lunch with Tom. He is such a wild and free soul like me and he loves his "Tommy-time" as he calls it.
I love my me-time too, and the reason why we both appreciate it and seek it a lot is our equally strong need to connect with other people. Not just making the effort to seek others out, but being authentic, all the way there and supporting these souls in feeling joy!
What is the balance supposed to look like for the wild and free like us?
Well, yesterday was close enough for me.
What could have happened to a girl sitting at home alone with a green clay on her face and an olive oil in her hair? I admit that coupla hours before midnight I had also started watching Dictator. I know, I know, I’ve already seen it 5x, please don’t judge.
From a different perspective, what couldn’t have happened to that girl?
A loud party, drunk people, bruises from trying to dance in a sardine’s tin, fireworks, lots of alcohol and a hangover the next day. Thanks God that did not happen!
But I could have popped out to see the fireworks…
Anyway, the moment the familiar hit my awareness, the same movie - guaranteed laughter, the same style I pamper myself - guaranteed treats for my appearance, and the same setting as nearly every year since my 25th - alone - guaranteed peace, I looked at my life from afar, I saw a girl with a mud covered face, a turban, half naked on her bed just couple of hours before the New Year, and I realized I’d been doing the same thing all over again (plus expecting different results…) What message did I signal to the Universe? I felt really happy, but I was still closed off in my shell!
Not a time to start partying again, but there is a time to connect. Always.
So I started connecting … (not on Tinder - if I get it, shoot me) and in a really, really short period of time someone knocked on my door.
No, I didn’t hire an escort, although, if still single some day in the long future, I would do it if I felt like. Joking! Or am I?
Well he did provide an excellent, escort-worthy service, and for free! I just made sure I wiped off the clay and brushed my hair, sadly no time for make-up, but I think it payed off just fine! A bargain!
Before midnight I was alone again, pleased and pleased with myself, so I just resumed my life…. I had a chat with my dad who was about to pick up his wife from work so they could leave to a party, I talked to my sister about recent events while she was getting ready to escape to a cottage to celebrate the new year with her friends in style. I also texted my mum - she already received a long call from me one week before - let’s not make her greedy. I felt at a deeper peace than when I had started off my quiet evening.
Do I still have a resolution to find an emotionally intimate relationship? YES. Do I know where I stand now? Yes - single and having fun without hurting anybody.
My heart is big and innocent. This is my balance when I am alone. Transparency, communication, and surrounding myself with like-minded or open-minded people make all the difference.
I am waiting, but not passively. I am actively living, learning and loving.
My saying "Don’t fear judgment, fear isolation" has a prerequisite - Love your own company first, and then if that’s all you’ve been having in the last several years - try something different. Why not? Do not isolate yourself, you can go back to where you left off anytime.
To the peaceful and charming company of yourself.
Turns out that I write as I dance!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Let me know what you think, what you are getting for yourself out of this post, or what you are not getting...
Note: If you are concerned about my non-native grammar, you can contact me and volunteer to become my editor.