Saturday, January 7, 2017

Settling - Not embracing the uncertain

A new name to this blog and a totally new concept is coming soon! Also, some new grammar ...
(Yes, what I was taught in Czech was shit!)
Waaaaaiiit for it...!

When should I've seen that my Saturday would turn out to be a funny one? (Oh, by the way, the Australians use funny for “weird” or “fuckin’ weird”)

Maybe while I was ingesting liters of chai tea and snacking on cacao beans all Friday, so I could have enough energy for the 2 hour dance session later on. Either the caffeine or the powerful dance have activated me for the rest of the night. Or was it my over-active mind?

It all starts with one breath...
I believe that movement is one of the best gifts we can give to the body - especially dancing - the most natural movement for women. Smart men practice that as well because it releases the feminine part of their essence into the wild, and they can resume being predominantly masculine in the "real" world after the dance is over. We are all drawn to the feminine. It’s chaotic, it’s creative, it’s receiving and unpredictable.

My heart was just ripping open during last night.
I felt so proud of my wholeness (including my whoreness). 

I had a great chat with a fellow dancer, Trevor over a cup of tea about life’s events either breaking us open or closing us off. The choice was always ours.

I got opened and I will stay this way no matter what.

When we finished the teas and crunching on some carrots (wow, how generous is my hospitality?!), Trevor left and I was activated even more than during my wild abandon dancing. I was aware of how much gratitude and appreciation I felt towards EVERYTHING that I've been through in my life. That feeling wasn’t joyous, neither painful, but somewhere in between. Just a funny feeling.

My past jobs crossed my mind.
My ex crossed my mind.
Then Adam did.  
I went to bed after midnight and after frustrating hour of thinking and twisting and turning I knew I had to get up again…

I watched The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind while having a 3am proper 'dinner' of omelette and seeds. Carrots are lame, really... 

Do you know what it means when you twist and turn in the bed, or when you feel like you're crawling under your skin?
You are telling yourself lies.
This is how my friend Lisa found out:
(Funny, I posted a comment there coupla months ago but it is not showing! 😡)

I am still a little confused about the nature of my thoughts - my lies - last night, but I reckon I pondered about some unreal emotions which were the product of my wistful thinking - outdated - that had never come to fruition before, but I wanted to have my way no matter which period I was at. The past life had been colorful, the recent events look blunt at times, the present is not what I want and of course, the future is uncertain. When I strive to spice my life up, I make dumb choices. In men.
I feel the most at peace when alone and dreaming of the undreamt (not putting faces on human creatures nor labels on things)

That being said - ALL MY CHOICES WERE & ARE ALWAYS THE RIGHT ONES. I stand by this truth.

So The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind… what a great film. And, finally, I GOT it.

I woke up less than 6 hours later, my breathing so shallow….
That was a first sign of a funny Saturday.
I knew I had to drink my chai again….
I knew I was not allowed any breakfast (Come on, I just had a dinner…)
So I drunk my tea.
Then I steamed some kale.
And then I had some unsweetened hot cacao.
Welcome to the world of the right nutrition during a punishment!

It's been a funny Saturday because things that I had wished to happen, have happened, yet the list of the desirable emotions couldn't be ticked off.
The undesirable ones crept in and I dealt with it - I added in more chocolate. 
Kidding. I just had to stop lying to myself... 

A stalker.
A stupid, funny date.
Plus I couldn't go to Gold Coast to see my friend Tom as I felt obliged to accept a last minute booking and the very first negative critique coming along with it. 

Yes, I received a first negative feedback about my massage today. First in 1 year of my new profession.
The moment must have come. 
Imagine, you are an artist, and your art gets critiqued. That’s what we live for. We want it, we need it, yet we dread the the other side of praise.

I guess I haven't tailored my techniques purposely for this client, and maybe I should have been more attentive prior to having thought that I had the ultimate magic recipe for everyone.
I know that it is impossible to please everyone (with the same thing), but it is possible to be better attuned and be prepared to make adjustments. What can I say!? Next time.

But I went to do Yoga…. which deepened my breath right down to the core. It was ZEN.
So a funny day, but it held some lessons to be remembered.

"We stand in the present but open ourselves to the infinite future. We take in all that has been in the past, enjoy the light of the present, and open every window of the heart for all that will come in the future."

- Swami Vivekananda

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