Saturday, January 28, 2017

Now or Never

I've been sitting at my short-story submission all evening. 
Not a story about a story within a story, all in my head, and driving me nuts - It's a fairy-tale story for a worldwide competition, and obviously, mere participation is my own victory. Every writer gets a feedback - and I'd love some! (My grammar will get smacked!) 
Funny enough, the fairy-tale turned into an allegory about You know who. Another type of completion for us. 
Or... am I just full of 'stories'??

Because of this deadline, I decided to stay at home today. 
In the afternoon while I was preparing myself to go on a lunch date with Carl, I felt totally present to all my thoughts and all the little annoyances. I tried to not make any stories about him, about myself, and what could or couldn't be possible.... just facts...
As I was walking to Carl's car, I knew that the only authentic and fair action I should've asked of myself was "Will I show him what a bitch I am NOW - or LATER?"
So I decided to go for Now. 
Not showing him, but telling him that he was wasting his time with me. I got into the car and in 5 minutes I got out. Without needing to go into details, sometimes a woman knows who the guy is for her - furthermore, who she is for him. If he's looking for someone serious, someone who's willing to dedicate lots of her free time to him, someone who's as emotionally intense as he is and who's going to nurture and care for that side of his - then I am not his woman. Not now, not ever.

Saying YES has proven to be a good thing! I would have never known what depths are to be found in certain types of men, hadn't I given Carl the chance to show me.
I was intimidated by him, but also - I am a freedom queen.
I still wonder if it's possible to love freely/loosely & be loved freely/loosely in return, all the while still feeling safe.
Safety... such a big thing for humans.

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Note: If you are concerned about my non-native grammar, you can contact me and volunteer to become my editor.