Monday, November 7, 2016

Why is it so hard to let go?

I have a confession to make. After my post - Surrender the idea you can fix someone, I was still fixing. Not Him but the broken relationship! I entered some kinda unconscious game of giving him enough space for his own growth in my absence, yet I still kept waiting and fishing in a sneaky way..

It downed on me one night that MY silence was perhaps making a difference in HIS life - yet in my life it was all a screaming violence! I half-expected a message within one week of giving him the space (something like: I miss you?) - and guess what, it wasn’t coming. So I tried to contact him over this weekend as part of the course's 'cleaning up of one’s mess' process.

Mess it was. We kept missing each other’s availability, so no real talk yet. However, my mind figured it all out - he has his lady over and is not in a mood for my 'cleaning and sorry acts'.

I sat by the river, and wept.

Then an Angel with sexy black wings appeared. To be precise, her name appeared on my phone. Yang called me to ask me how I felt. I couldn’t believe this girl’s sixth sense!

She has actually most likely saved my life the night before when she didn’t let me get out of her car unless I saw how pathetically uncoachable I was. I got it. I was resisting the possibility of moving on - in any area of my life. I kept going on and on about not even trying something different as if the battle was already lost.
Living happy, free and making a difference? "Not for me".

She called me and tried to console me as an adult to an adult. Except, one got her shit together, and the other one was crying on a bench by the river in a dark.

In minutes, I emerged. Sprung out from the deep black pit. What was I doing there again in the first place, anyway? I thought I should have been OUT already!

The power of friendship, connecting and sharing moves mountains. It saves lives! Why am I sometimes such an isolating jerk?

I cannot thank her enough for the magical insight into my life. We have talked about me and Him few months prior, but I thought she wouldn’t have remembered the details.

Apparently, I couldn't let go as long as I perceived that relationship as a failure. Given my 'fixer' nature, I wanted another chance to fix my mistakes in that failed relationship. I didn't really desire the 'fixed' Him, or the past 'dysfunctional' Him, I desired to show him off the 'new', much more authentic ME in action.

Spoiler alert - I don’t own the time machine, and I cannot control which woman he chooses to have by his side. The remodeling of this broken relationship ain't happening!

I can only choose something else with someone else. I guess I have to make my declaration in the next post...
It is starting to make sense.

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