Thursday, November 24, 2016

Sometimes, I don't know how to cope either. #wine&bitchiness

I wish I wrote you something nice today, something inspiring, motivating and cheering. I meant to write about sweating at pilates class and how well that physical pain combats the emotional one.
Not a great evening.
Instead, I am having a little crisis. And there's no one to speak to. In this moment I wish there was a break-up help line. And whoever would answer would not need to have his/her shit together, it would not need to be Rori Raye with her amazing husband, it would not even need to be someone I've trusted before - I wish for anyone who would with a gentle yet firm voice tell me - it will be alright, so don't go for the whole bottle of wine. (Have a sip, or two, but leave some for later)
let go of the self-pity, and think about being productive tomorrow.
It just happens to be my voice all over again.
So what happened?
His on and off girlfriend popped up on my facebook... 'People you may know' Hmmm... I have never seen her in my life, nor I have ever nosily questioned our mutual friends about her appearance. I didn't want to know!
Her name is one of a kind, mutual friend one (Rowena), pages liked - his farm - is this even legal?? Sure it is her! The phantom girl I never met, yet heard of so many times before.
Why should I know her, or why would I ever want to befriend her? Don't you sometimes wonder what is this social network and the whole interconnectedness-business up to???
But really? Facebook is going to show me her face out of all those hundreds of other interconnected people it could have suggested? Please, facebook, be kind!!!!

It cut me up.
I thought I was almost healed... What a conceited idea.

I know. All my molecules know. We are not going to pollute ourself by this man's bullshit.
But he is still running in my system. How to clear him out?

Is it just jealousy?
I don't mind him fucking whomever.

So why is there no peace when I see her profile???
I was hoping he had exchanged me for a skinny supermodel.
But what I'm seeing is far from my imagination. Realistically, I should have known no superslim, fine, supermodel would ever want this guy¹.
He sure deserves whom he got².

Oh, I forgot, she must have a good heart!
You see, it was just easier for me to think I was not good enough.

Looks don't matter to me, yet my way of measuring and comparing myself does impact my life (rather negatively). Yes, it sucks. I gotta stop the comparing.
Obviously, looks don't matter to HIM
- why did I ever feel so self-conscious?
She has a good heart, I must have been the bitch, is there anything else? :)

¹. ². Apology : 25.11.2016
I am so sorry! My yesterday's wine-talk is not making me proud today. I will leave that bit where I'm judging him (².and her, indirectly, but you get the idea :/), so anyone can see what comes out of me when I'm hurting.
Obviously, a 'curvy model' like me once wanted him like crazy - why wouldn't anyone else be allowed?
Yes, I was wined and I was in pain, getting all defensive of my stance!

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