Monday, November 28, 2016

I blocked him. Again. But I could have stopped already in May.

I had to block him. My last message yesterday was:

You know I'll have to block you, and you know why.
But you might don't know how I feel when you text me that you still keep all my stuff around the house or that you have great memories and watch our pictures all the time...Whether you speak the truth or not, it makes me feel like a million bucks...
It lasts couple of days max, then I remember that she stays, I'm gone. Each time you call I dread to pick up, I hear your empty words, then I feel miserable for days.
I am a dreamer and sometimes I dream too much. You have excuses for every area of your life. And I am interfering. I get it. Time after time I forget where I am, what I'm doing here, and why. Everything in Australia, on some level, reminds me of you. I'm handling it alright, but I'm looking forward to leaving.
You thought you knew me, but I doubt it. You said you knew what I needed, but I doubt it. It's not within your current perception.
I apologize for what I've done and said in the past. I feel sorry for my hard words. I believe it must have happened though, so I transform. I learn from my mistakes, unlike you it seems.
I accept your punishment and my wallowing in pain.
Yet, I can't be alone and be thinking about you, and I can't be with someone else and be thinking about you. This has been a nightmare.
That's why I have to block you.

I'm enjoying some peace again. I am focused. I study. I tidy up. I exercise. I feel positive. let's see how long it'll last. I'm prepared to take the risk.
Frankly, if I set aside my love, lust and the excuses I make for his unconscious actions, well, brace yourself...
I see a lier, a player, a long-time cheater, not a very socially intelligent person, and a man in a victim stance.
I could also attach stories to those nouns and to where he put himself to. But... does it change anything?

I'm reading my favorite prayer from Louise Hay and it feels like the truth, finally. In the past years, I noticed myself reading it but disbelieving it (some parts). In the past few months I had began reading it, gotten all teary eyed, and in the middle I was unable to force the words to come out of my mouth.
Today, I celebrate the day I am living my truth! 

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